Posted on Apr 25, 2003

Sunday, March 16, 2003 By Karen MacPherson, Post-Gazette National Bureau (Pittsburgh) http://www.post-gazette.com/nation/20030316kidswar0316p3.asp It's not about sex or drugs or body piercing. It's about the looming war with Iraq. And it can be a touchy topic, especially for parents who aren't quite sure themselves how the United States should handle the situation. "It may be as difficult [to discuss] as sex for some parents," said James Garbarino, co-director of the Family Life Development Center at Cornell University. "Parents have intense and often mixed feelings about both topics." Diane Levin, a Wheelock College professor of early childhood education, believes talking about war with children can be difficult because adults think "childhood should be a time when things are innocent and sweet and nice. So we want to protect our children. In addition, there is a sense for adults of not knowing for sure what the right answer is. The fact is, the answers are very variable." Levin, author of the forthcoming book "Teaching Young Children In Violent Times," and other child development experts offer parents a few simple pieces of advice. First, limit and monitor your child's media consumption, especially of war news. For preschoolers and younger children, avoid TV news programs until they are in bed, if possible, because violent images can overwhelm them. With older children, parents can watch a limited amount of war news with them and talk about what it means. "The aggressive 24-hour news culture distorts everything," said Jim Greenman, author of "What's Happened to the World?" and senior vice president for education at Bright Horizons Family Solutions, a national chain of child care centers. "We really forget how much TV tries to scare us." Parents also should ask their children what they know about the possible war in Iraq, and then listen carefully to their answers. "We need to have a give-and-take kind of conversation with kids," Levin said. "However old they are, we want to know what they know and what they think, and then base what we say on that. Ask them questions like 'Have you heard anything?' 'What do you know about it?' 'What do you think?' 'Have you talked about it with your friends?'" Once parents understand this, they can then try to respond to children's questions, opinions and fears by offering information and, above all, reassurance, Levin said. "What you say depends on the ages of the child and it depends on what you think the child has been exposed to. There's a proviso, however: kids tend to be exposed to more than parents think." Greenman predicted many American children will experience a war against Iraq in a very different way than the terrorist events of Sept. 11. "What made Sept. 11 such a huge deal was that it shattered the adult world. That meant that the people who were supposed to be strong in children's lives -- parents -- didn't feel strong, and that made it a crisis for children," Greenman said. "I'm not sure that the war on Iraq will shatter the adult world. It might, but I think that, for a lot of children -- unless they know someone in the military, someone directly involved -- it's going to be an interesting event that they will have questions about. That's what parents need to prepare for. These are times that are teaching times, when children can learn about our values. "It's a time for parents to be thoughtful, whatever our politics are, whether we're for the war or against it," Greenman added. Many parents also may have to grapple with the contradiction between teaching children to "use your words, not your fists" and nations resorting to fighting to resolve a conflict, Garbarino said. "Parents can tell children that adults sometimes cannot live up to their own ideas of how to deal with conflict -- just like kids," he said. "They can tell teens that there are sometimes different standards for government actions and private individual actions.... Each parent will have to look at how far they would go in using force and where they draw the line for their children." Garbarino added, however, that "parents should share their opinions in a way that matches the child's capacities and temperament. And they should have a 'positive spin' on whatever critical comments they make.'" Besides trying to clarify their own thoughts about the war, parents also must pay attention to their own emotional state, say Ann Ruethling and Patti Pitcher, authors of Under the Chinaberry Tree: Books and Inspirations for Mindful Parenting . "In unsettled times such as these, it is difficult not to be overcome with fear. We must somehow master our own fears to be the steady beacons our children need us to be," Ruethling and Pitcher recommend. If children show signs of anxiety about the war, parents can help by slowing things down. "Allow more time for everything: more reading at bedtime, more cups of cocoa at the table with Mom or Dad, and more time simply to cuddle. A less hurried pace not only comforts children, it also allows them to find the time to voice their worries and cares." Although some children may not show much -- if any -- interest in the war, parents shouldn't use this as an excuse to avoid the topic, especially with school-age children, Levin said. "Whether you agree with the war or not, to just be a bystander and not be connected to a serious, major world event, isn't the thing to do, it seems to me," she said. "By having appropriate conversations with children about the war, parents can model the importance of connecting to the wider world." Karen MacPherson can be reached at kmacpherson@nationalpress.com or 1-202-662-7075. A sidebar to the article included this about Chinaberry: This Chinaberry Books site offers some wonderfully reassuring advice for parents and children about coping with "unsettled times." It also offers an extensive list of books for children and adults about war and peace.